


And the Codeword is Fondue

by MyFakeNameIsCee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fondue, Humanstuck, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Older Characters, Sexting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2556041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFakeNameIsCee/pseuds/MyFakeNameIsCee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat just wants to be able to send things to his boyfriend, John Egbert, but can he ever catch a break? Answer: no</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the Codeword is Fondue

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story based off of the skype chat I'm a part of, the idea was priceless and I jumped at the opportunity to write it. This was a lot of fun.

     You sit in your room and stare at a glowing phone screen in horror, your feet feel like lead and you could possibly melt from embarrassment any second now. You can't believe you did that, well you can, and you did, but you can't believe what happened afterward. How could something simple fail so badly? Answer: you have the worst timing out of absolutely every single person on earth. That's you, your name is Karkat Vantas and you are feeling really unlucky.  
  


* * *

  
  
     It had all started out with some not exactly child-friendly intentions. You had been psyching yourself up for this moment for weeks, it wasn't as if sending John ***** ahem ***** _pictures_ would submit him to anything he hadn't seen before. Christ he's seen your goddamn dick this was nothing new to him, but if absolutely every single thing that could have gone wrong was planning itself to launch all at the same time, about half of them actually took their position and attacked.  
  
     John's dad was over.  
  
     God your face could rip off your skull and light into a fiery burning heap on your carpet and you wouldn't be surprised. You might actually be legitimately dying right now. Someone should lay you down in a casket and kick you into the darkest, dampest hole in the ground where you'll stay for the rest of your pathetic life.  
  
     Chocolate-brown eyes scan back over everything that happened, it still feels unreal, like a bad dream you can't wake up from.  
  
    “HEY JOHN I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.” John hadn't responded after the first text so you had decided it'd be a nice surprise for later. The rest of the conversation was not as lucky to escape disaster. Next you sent the pictures. You were never really sure why John found you attractive, you're really boring to look at. Chub that curls into a muffin top over too-wide hips combined with dark red hair that droops down your dark face makes you look like a far too colorful emo reject. You sent the pictures anyway, because you figured John would like it. That was not his reaction however.  
  
    “NO SSYOP DI NOT SENF.”  
  
      _What_ _the hell?_ Was your first thought. John rarely makes spelling errors. Then you got your answer.  
  
    "DAD VHISTIGN NOT WNOT."

 

     oh. OH. Oh crap you are really the lowest of the low aren't you?  
  
     A fist connect multiple times to the side of your head. __STUPID. STUPID. STUPID.  
  
     Scream into a pillow.   
     Sulk.  
     Yell at yourself you stupid piece of shit. 

 

     You should really have a codeword or something. 

* * *

  
  
    “What about fondue?” John suggests.  
     The two of you sit together in your bedroom the next day, last night he had texted you back when his dad had gone and atogether greed you definitely needed to talk about this kind of stuff to keep from anymore awkward situations or have anything worse happen. You turn to give him a flat, unimpressed look.  
  
    "John that is literally the worst codeword ever.”  
  
    “No it isn't.”  
  
    “Yes it is.”  
  
    “No”  
  
    “Yes. It's a captain America reference Karkat! That makes it automatically the best codeword ever and we are using it.”  
  
     You rub your eyes with the palms of your hands, stretching the bags that form under them in defeat. Leave it to you to fall irrevocably in love with the stupidest person in existence,  
how could anyone be so disastrously beautiful and at the same time unrelentlessly moronic? They could be John Egbert is how. “Are you sure you weren't just offended that I'd send you something so gross?”  
  
     John's eyes soften and he scoots closer from his position on the bed, he tucks his legs under himself and places his hands on his knees. “Is this what all the uncertainty and refusal for a codeword is about? You think I don't like to look at you?” He moves his hands to cup your face and stares into your eyes with an expression of worry and concern. “Karkat I love you, I love _all_ of you, you're beautiful and I want you to know that.” John kisses the space between your eyebrows lightly and knocks your foreheads together with a gentle nod.  
  
    “We aren't using _fondue_ as the goddamn codeword John, no matter how sweet you're being.”  
  
    “dammit!”  
  
     You laugh. “And for the record John, I love you too, you big dummy.”  
  
    “Does that mean I get to see more of those gorgeous pictures?”  
  
    “yeah.”

 

 

     He convinced you to use fondue. 

     You don't think a blowjob was the most creative idea John could come up with to change your mind, but it sure was effective as hell. You aren't complaining. John was smug about it, well fine John you be a smug little shitstain, but remember you're the one who sucked dick for a Marvel reference.  


     The codeword works, there's been no hiccups, no confusion, just delightful little treats for the both of you to open your phone to. Which you may or may not have jacked off at. Hey it isn't your fault your boyfriend is somehow the most attractive pillar of movie reference dribble on two legs. Plus, yum he's really built. You're one lucky bastard.  
  
     Right now it doesn't seem like anything is going to go wrong again. You whip your phone out of your jeans pocket and bit your lower lip. _Why not?_ You think.   
  
    “HEY JOHN, I WANT FONDUE.” send.  
  
    “Oh wow haha ok someone is feeling bold today.” He sends back.  
    “But I need a second dad is bothering me about something.”  
  
    “WHAT CAN I SAY, YOU HAVE THE BEST FONDUE.”  
    “SURE I'LL WAIT.”

 

     You stand up and drag yourself over to your computer and look through a bunch of old tumblr posts while you wait. Seconds turn into a couple minutes and your phone vibrates against the old oak wood surface where you placed it on your desk.  
  
    “Karkat my dad thinks you're coming over for dinner.”  
  
     A moment of confusion as you send back a reply.  
    “WHY?” John's next text comes through so fast you assume he may have been typing it even while you replied.  
  
    “He saw your text and thought you were coming over for dinner!”  
    “so get over here! Like now!”  
  
     With a hard facepalm you snatch up your phone and slam your laptop shut. You can't ever do something like this with John without something going wrong can you?  
  
    “TELL YOUR DAD I'LL BE OVER IN HALF AN HOUR, SAY I GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.” Cramming your cellular device in your back pocket you rush to your car. If you're lucky you'll take less than half an hour and your lie will be buried. _ Why of course I'm coming over John and I have been planning this all day haha this was not last minute.  _

 

     The universe has decided to give you a tiny break, 

     Speeding the entire way you not only manage not to get a ticket for speeding, but you arrive at John's house five minutes before expected. You sent a text to Sollux explaining why you aren't at home, you'll sit through his laughing and endless stream of teasing later.

  
     Parking your car in the road outside John's driveway you drag yourself out of your tiny car and walk yourself to his front door. Ring the doorbell Karkat, everything is normal, this was totally  _ not _ just because you were being a horny twat. Within seconds the front door slams open and you're pulled inside, dizzy and a tad disoriented you stare at John's long face in disbelief. 

  
    “He made _**fondue** _ Karkat.”  
  
     You almost burst out with laughter then and there, because this is the most ridiculous thing that's happened to you in a while by a long shot. You're dragged by your wrist into the dining room and sat down in a high-backed chair. Then the food is brought in.  
 _ Holy fucking shit he actually made fondue.  _   


     For once you keep your mouth shut. Treat it like a court. What was that thing Terezi sometimes says? “Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law?” yeah. It feels like that. John is 19, you've never hated the fact that he lives with his dad before, but now? Dear god this is not going to be fun.   
  
    “So Karkat, how have you been boy?” His father asks.  
  
    “Um, fine thanks.” you answer. You dip one of the little cubes from the side into the molten food. You think it's meat. Ok, if you eat you have no excuse to talk, that's a good plan. John is silent, he's just been staring down at the tablecloth this entire time, the awkward feeling that hangs in the air weighs down your shoulders. You take a bite of the cheese fondue.  
  
    “CRAP-BTARTS ON A FISHPLATTER.” You yell.  
  
     John's head bolts up to look at you and his lips are pursed together, obviously keeping in a shit-eating laugh and poorly pulling back a smirk for his own safety.  
  
    “You alright boy?” His guardian asks.  
  
    “Yeah the fondue is just hot.”  
  
      John snorts. “well yeah I had to turn on the stove for that.” There's the smirk, did he just- in front of his dad? You kick him from under the table. “John .no”  
  
      You smile at his father and force out a happy voice. “May we be excused I have to talk to your son in privacy.”  
  
     “Of course Karkat, come back at your leisure.” Darting up out of your seat you wrench John from his chair and remove him from the room. Turning the corner you hear John's dad make one last retort before you leave earshot.  
  
     “For the record John, I'm fine with your sexual relationship with Karkat, but I am not as dull as you'd think, I know what fondue means.”  
  
      You glare at John sideways. Tugging him up a flight of stairs and into his room you look up at his features, they're contorted into an expression of horror.  
  
     “I told you fondue was a terrible codeword.”  


 


End file.
